Actually I don’t take too many exams anymore. Not academic ones, anyway. But I’ve been following along on some law school blogs and I see where it’s bar exam time. Now as I said, I don’t do exams like this, but this doesn’t stop me from imagining (and therefore empathetically worrying about) the brain racking and brain stuffing preparation for such a day. I’m thinking I’d be ok a month or two before, but wow - what about two days before? I mean - the little inner voice would be yakking away - “remember this? remember that? WHAT? you can’t remember that? But it’s IMPORTANT.. and you read it in the 25th book 3 weeks ago!”
Poor Lawyer Boy ! What a way to spend a summer. I know, I know - the rewards are great! To be able to work in an admirable profession and help others. And just look how many lawyers there are! They’ve all passed some bar exam somewhere. But what an initiation!
How does one even approach this day? How do you get to sleep the night before? How do you make sure you don’t over sleep? How do you eat before such an exam? How do you NOT eat before it. How do you stay focused? What if it’s hot? What if it’s cold? What if? What if? What if?
And then….. the wait. Did I pass? Did I flunk? OMG- everyone who actually completes the exam should pass. I mean if you’ve got something to say to fill up all those questions - how bad can you be? Well, ok - I don’t really believe everyone should pass. And I do think it’s probably very fairly written and scored. And for those who truely want to pass, they will - hopefully the first time, but if not - then some other time. I wish all bar exam students good luck. I’ll do the worrying for you - don’t worry.
I just had a post foot surgery checkup. This was not a typical foot surgery - it was a correction that involved “screws”, multiple incisions, bone marrow transplant (from a distal point in the heal to another point in the foot). There were 4 areas of stitches.
I didn’t realize the complexity of the recovery (I knew what he was going to do) even though nothing had been disguised from me. I think it was my determination to get this done and denial about the short term cost.
But that is not my point today. After a post-op x-ray, the doc’s own words were “I know this looks a bit like texas chain saw massacre, but it will improve”. I was ok with that. I think he’s being fair and right. I’ve had scars before, and with time, they heal satisfactorily.
No… my beef is what came next. The nurse removed the sutures and then put me in a more “permanent” cast than the preceding one. This one was the regular sort you see on broken limbs, etc. I chose black from her palatte of colors. I was happy with my choice and it was all very simple. That is until she told me she was going to cut away some of the cast to expose my toes. The purpose of this is to enable everyone to keep an eye on things and make sure my toes don’t turn blue or red.
So she brought out the saw. And I do mean *SAW*. it was a round blade. If I have to estimate, I’d guess it was about a 3 inch diameter saw. She told me, as I appeared hesitant, that children either scream or laugh. None have no response. Well, I think I was a mixture of both, as an adult. I really didn’t know whether to scream or laugh. But there it was.. She sawed an squared off “U” into the cast.
HOW DID SHE KNOW HOW DEEP TO SAW? She assured me, when I asked that there would be no problem. First of all, the saw could only go “so deep”. She showed me the protected area, which was only half the area of the saw. That meant it was 1 1/2 inches exposed. My cast, was at most - with protection beneath - maybe 3/4 inch thick. She put her hand against the blade and told me it was soft and then she said:
“If anything is going to happen, you’d feel a burning sensation long before I’d cut into you”. This just didn’t help. My foot, and possibly my life, was simply in her hands.
It didn’t help that I was also told to return in 2 weeks to redo the cast. That’s because they expect a reduction in swelling by then and my cast might be too loose to promote secure healing.
So - I have to have it completely sawed off, then re-applied… the squared “U” cut out again, all before the final time it gets sawed off.
If this isn’t the stuff nightmares are made of - tell me what is!!!
TSA- getting through TSA (I have a metal implant which causes me to have to be literally “frisked” every flight I take)
food - you know the saying - everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Well, not really. But even when I eat “healthy” food, every day the news tells me there is something wrong with such food. Take fish. Low in cholesterol, high in protein, but now stacked with mercury. Great! Orange Juice - too many carbs! Barbeque’d anything - carcenogens from the fire? Wine - bad for you in one day’s reports, good for you the next.
cell phone radiation - the verdict, apparently, is still out. these things may cause brain tumors. but who knows.
mrsa infection - just a workout at the gym and bam! there ya go - some weirdo germ gets in you because the person before you didn’t wipe off the machine or sneezed or heaven know what.
politics - I’m worried I’m going to go crazy before the presidential election due to the neverending chatter on tv, on my answering machine, on the internet etc. I am *very* interested in this election for many reasons, but it is also driving me nuts.
computer files - losing them at a bad time (same with internet connection)
clutter - i’ve been watching and listening to lots of media about clutter and according to at least ONE expert - it’s making me fat.
Keith Ledger - he used prescribed medicines. now look what happened. could my doctors give me similar contradictory meds? I feel bad about his untimely death.
Google - I worry about how well my site is doing with Google, how much influence they have (too much in too many ways), if anyone can compete (tonight Yahoo turned down a bid from Microsoft and it’s rumored Google might be putting itself in the middle. “Google already has offered to help Yahoo avert a takeover and urged antitrust regulators to take a hard look at the proposed deal.” - found at http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/microsoft_yahoo today.
driving over pot holes. I’ve just returned home - one of the main thoroughfares I use nearly every day is so awful in places that I fear I’m going to ruin my car. Really - one year I got a flat tire after driving over a major pot hole. Had to replace the whole thing. I live in a cold midwest city and this creates expanding and contracting pavement. Pot holes are a fact of life, but honestly, this year it’s just nuts! I’m thinking the streets in Bagdad are better than some stretches of this particular road. I’m not sure why, since every summer the road crews show up and close off portions of the road for weeks and weeks on end. I thought this would help end the pot hole issue but nope. Didn’t do it at ALL.
network security - are you parked outside my house stealing my bandwidth?? or worse?? (p.s. - if you are, move on please - there is zilch here to interest you)
crime - yup - worried like the rest of you. especially random acts of violence. People gunned down in malls, stores, schools etc. There was a time I didn’t seriously consider this as a real threat. But sadly, it is. I’ve heard enough stories enough times. And it adds to my daily worries.
More about travel - now United wants to charge me for a 2nd bag - I thought I’d also read that the weight limit is further reduced but I can’t find that information now.
earthquakes - I guess I’m in a fairly unlikely place for those to occur here, compared to Californians, but still we have had some minor ones.
global warming - yeah.. this is REALLY scarey. I’m concerned for my own generation, but even more so for those to come.
health care insurance - or lack of it. Yes, I do believe everyone deserves some basic medical care. I’ve heard arguments on both sides of the coin, but those opposed have yet to convince me. Also, I’ve talked to Canadians who supposedly “complain” about long waits. Well folks, I myself waited MONTHS for a needed Dr. appointment. We need to get a grip on this issue for all our sakes.
the economy - I’m not sure exactly WHAT I’m supposed to worry about - will I have enough to eat? will I be properly housed? will my kids have these comforts? will they have work? All I know is things cost more and more.
genocide - this is a serious one. I’m worried about crazy people in power or with rebel armies armed and killing others in mass numbers for no reason. It seems history is not enough of a teacher to prevent this.
Dr. Oz’s radio show - they moved his time slot on my XM Radio and I’m worried I won’t be able to enjoy his wisdom as often as I want to. Pleeeze - put him back to the 1pm time slot, Oprah!
Britney Spears - well yeah - I feel bad and I worry about how fame is totally screwing up some of our “icons”. Not all - there are far more NOT so screwed up, but look where she is these days. Look where fame has led a disporoportionate number to dreary endings. And the kids want to be *like* them - something to worry about.
Professional Sports - more screwed up “icons” - cheating athletes, athletes on steroids or other performance enhancing drugs, outrageous contracts, commercialized ball parks, etc. Can sports ever be a simple past time again?
time - I worry it’s going too fast!
socializing - I’m always waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop”. I might, at any given moment say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, forget to say something I should, forget to invite someone, forget to r.s.v.p. on time, this alone is at least a separate 27-things-I-worry-about sort of list.
emails - I worry about deleting the important ones - hence I worry if I’ll ever sort them out - I keep too many. This is related to my 7th item - clutter.
war - I worry about the war in Iraq - if and when it will end and if there will be stability there. I worry for our soldiers there (and everywhere else)
poverty - I worry about poverty around the world and poverty right under my nose.
oversleeping- I worry if I’ll wake up on time or oversleep. I’ve done that a few too many times!
Ok - that’s 27. I forgot a bunch of stuff - I worry about victims of Katrina still, and my list is quite long. But, the title of this post prevents me from carrying on more. Please add your own.
It’s mostly in my head - a zillion of them. I develop websites - which means I have a LOT of usernames and passwords. I have them for conventional things - my business email, personal email, etc. Same as you do. I also have them for every website I’m involved with. For each, there is one for the registrar (well, a pair - user and password), the hosting, perhaps the database, and if it is a blog, the admin area. I have them for wireless hotspots, forums I take part in, sofware companies I’ve purchased from, online bookstores, and so on and so forth. I’ve written them all down, but going to find them is time consuming. So I try to remember them in my head. I’m actually surprised at the number of these I can come up with. But from time to time I forget. Then I worry. What if I can’t find where I’ve written it down. What if somehow it’s been changed. I’ve taken to calling passwords worrywords.
Thus far, in over 15 years, I don’t recall ever having been shut out of a site due to lack of password or the ability to retrieve it. That doesn’t stop me from worrying about this possibility, however. Just one more thing to stress about.
I feel a bit like one of those smooth silver balls inside a big pinball machine. I’m the ball and every way I go I bump into something that sends me careening off in a different direction. Each “bounce” is some food goodie I want to - or sometimes do - eat. The end result? I get slower and slower and heavier and heavier until I finally fall down the hole - too pooped to participate any more. Ok - here is how it begins.
I shoot out of the door - propelled not by someone releasing a pinball spring, but by my multiple tasks I have to complete by the end of any given day. Some days I’ve started out by having some whole wheat toast and fat free “butter” spray (!) on it, but other days I’ve skipped doing that. I keep hearing foodies on the radio telling me I should never skip breakfast, but I’m too full from the night before to want it. I run my first errand or two and then WHAM - I have find the first “ding-ding-ding” obstacle of my pinball picnic day - I’m hungry. Everywhere I look is food. Fast food - I drive by McD’s, BK, Taco Bell.. and manage to avoid them. I go to the cleaners, the office supply and then - before the grocery store I realize I can’t go in until I’ve eaten or I’ll be crazy in there. Time to stop and eat. I usually pick the “family” type restaurants - otherwise known as “Coffe Shops”. Big Boy is another option. Once there, I look around and I see people with mounds of fries on oval white plates in front of them. That’s a no-no for me, so my eyes wander elsewhere. There’s someone else with a huge burger. Since I don’t eat meat I’m bounced around again. Coffee shops usually have a couple of alternatives. I used to order a tuna sandwich, but I’m even eating less fish (no, I’m not a *true* vegetarian though). The tuna is SOUSED in mayo. I used to ask if they had a low fat type mayo but I learned they get it from somewhere else premixed no matter where I go so I just quit when I found out how bad the tuna is. So lately I’m down to cottage cheese or an occasional egg white omlette. AND TOAST. Bring on the bread. I just can NOT get bread out of my life. Ding-Ding-Ding! I bounce around the pinball machine a lot while consuming toast. The crunchier the better - I like it toasted WELL. The lights are blinking and glaring on this foodie pinball ride when I hit the bread obstacle. It keeps me going and … LOOK AT THAT! My calorie score is starting to climb!. I’m particularly jealous of the French people and their delicious baguettes and cheese they eat every day for lunch. Oh well…. time to move on. I continue my errands and make a few more stops before returning home. I let the dog out and go to give him a treat for being good. Uh Oh- the (old) halloween candy is next to the dog treats. I dig around the reese’s pieces I hate for the malted milk balls or dwindling hershey’s chocolates and find one. A few more quiet dings register on the pinball calorie machine. I do some cleaning and laundry, check email, do some computer work and then feel guilty. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned the hard way I’m not burning the calories too well. So it’s off to the gym to do the eliptical for a bit. Feeling better, I return home, change but for SURE am not yet up to making dinner. So I congratulate myself for exercising and grab….. OH NO….. ding-ding-ding - a handful of really fattening cashews left over from Thanksgiving. I know a few of them are fine and maybe even good for me.. but a handful? Email check. Dinner. I make some sort of salad or veggie burger or something equally dreary. I put it on a roll (i’m stuck in one of those pinball corners) and voila. I’ve made a perfect recipe for being hungry later. That’s where a DVD WITH popcorn comes in. My score is high. I need to get out too. So it’s time for Starbucks. I’ve learned in the last few years that I just can’t handle their sweets any more. So OK! I get decaf. And just to prove how good I am I stick in half and half cream. Ding-Ding-Ding! That’s IT. I’m through. Goin home. The ball slips into the hole and I call it a game/day. Maybe I’ll do better tomorrow.
We worry a lot, and the things we worry about are unlimited. For example, the current hot issues - the war, the economy, immigration, global warming, health care - and the list goes on. If these weren’t enough, how about our personal problems, our jobs, our relationships, our families, our health, our future, our greed and our envies, and how about the endless choices we must make everyday. It’s enough to drive anyone bonkers.
Somehow we cope, however, and how we cope determines our quality of life. Some cope well and with a little good luck have relatively few problems. Others, not so lucky, have many problems. It’s a roll of the dice. The cards are dealt from a crooked deck at times and we’re never sure what kind of a hand we’ll get. Some kids get a great start - a good education, many opportunities - while others, like seeds that fall on unfertile ground, are left behind before they have a chance to develop their potential.
And if we are sensitive at all, we should be concerned about all of these things, but when our concerns turn into worries, then instead of a logical search for rational solutions we are faced with a quagmire of emotion and fear - and this is a clue to why we worry.
What is the basis of worry? Is it really the things themselves, the problems themselves which are endless, that cause our worry or is it something more fundamental? Why is it that some people, with the same pressures and concerns as ours worry not at all, while we wring our hands constantly? What do they know that we don’t? This would be important information for us, wouldn’t it?
What they know, at least subconsciously, is that worry grows from fear - worry has its roots in fear. Simple concern and the resulting solutions on the other hand have their roots in observation and action. Where fear is always a result of projecting the future, concerned action deals only with the present. Knowing that worry comes from fear, however, does not solve our problem. This is like telling us that our hunger comes from lack of food but doesn’t tell us how to solve the food problem! So how do we end the fear that prompts the worry?
Before we master anything including fear and its chronic, slow burning aspect called worry, we must understand fear. Many times, just by understanding a problem, completely, fully, we solve the problem with no further action at all. So how do we get to the root of this fear? What exactly is it?
What we should know about fear, to begin with, is the physical symptoms that fear creates. A meditator will study fear by isolating it from the object of his or her fear and observe only the physical symptoms of fear. They will learn about fear backward and forward just as they learn about all of their emotions. Once a meditator understands all aspects of fear, and when there are no further surprises regarding it, then they can take that understanding a little further.
As the fear is observed in more detail, a meditator will see that fear is the product of two very simple things; time and thinking. Without either of these in the picture, there can be no fear. When you see a tiger you run, it’s after a few steps that the fear takes over when you realize that the tiger can run faster than you can! The running is pure action based on observing the tiger, but thinking about being eaten is worry! So a meditator isolates the feeling of fear itself, not what he or she is fearful of.
Fear is always connected with the future - what is going to happen if this happens, etc. - and this involves the thinking process. It’s not that we shouldn’t think; it’s a matter of regulating positive thought and dismissing negative thought such as worry.
This is how a meditator practices; they uncover all the hidden aspects that keep us befuddled in life including many of our psychological attachments and psychological attempts to acquire security; for example, building up a reputation or seeking popularity or fame. Meditators do this because they come to understand that psychological attachments and securities breed fear - we become afraid that in the future, our attachments and our security, that which we love, will disappear and then where will we be? Therefore, a meditator takes attachments and security a little further and investigates them from a very dispassionate point of view, simply because these things are what foster our endless, subconscious fears. They are the basis of our fear.
Dispassion should not be confused with uncaring. Dispassion means not buying into the mindless emotionalism that adds grief and worry to our daily experience. Coming completely undone because one of our beloved attachments goes away is natural, but a meditator will at least understand how he or she sets himself or herself up for it and will be able to take a better overview of the situation. This is how some people simply don’t worry about things. Even if they are not meditators, they somehow understand life from a different perspective; they seem to have an overview seeing the forest instead of becoming trapped in the trees. If you are not one of these gifted individuals, you can become one. Meditation can take you there.
Compassion, that common bond that develops between people when we understand our universal problem, is the characteristic of so many of our historical spiritual leaders. This worldwide salve supersedes differences of religions and goes beyond winning and losing - and guess what, it replaces worry! When we stop worrying about ourselves by conquering our fear, we can see others, it’s that simple. And when we can see others and realize that their plight is no different from ours, our hearts naturally go out to them. This is the true basis of a meditator’s practice - universal, unconditional love which in essence makes their practice not so much a religion, but what the religions of the world are framed from.
And this is why worry is so good; because we can get over it, and when we get over it we get over ourselves, because it is our “self” that we fundamentally worry about. Therefore, the ending of worry is the none other than the doorway to compassion.
E. Raymond Rock of Fort Myers, Florida is cofounder and principal teacher at the Southwest Florida Insight Center, http://www.SouthwestFloridaInsightCenter.com His twenty-eight years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents, including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Theravada Buddhist monk. His book, A Year to Enlightenment (Career Press/New Page Books) is now available at major bookstores and online retailers. Visit http://www.AYearToEnlightenment.com
With only 7 days left before Christmas, here are 10 worries people often experience.
1. Will I be with my family, my wife’s (husband’s) family, or if older, will our kids be with us? Will one side or the other be inevitably upset with our choice?
2. Can I really afford all I’ve spent on gifts, food, decor, travel?
3. Who did I miss or forget to buy a gift for or send a card to?
4. Will I eat too much? Drink too much? Gain too much weight?
5. How will I ever manage when I’m alone most of the time - I don’t really *have* plans for Christmas.
6. I couldn’t get the (fill in the blank) for my kid he/she wanted (such as the elusive Wii this year) - will my child forgive me?
7. I’m traveling and the weather is bad. I’m worried about departing, or arriving on time. I’m worried about getting back home on time.
8. I overdid things at the office party and now I have to show up feeling a bit sheepish.
9. I haven’t talked to some of my relatives - there are some strained relatonships- how am I going to manage the holiday?
10. I just have too many things to do and not enough time.
If you have suggestions on coping with the Holidays, leave a comment
