The actual definition of hoarding in dictionaries that I have found is not so denigrating.  It’s some vague reference to stockpiling or accumulating things for preservation or future use.

But now all this attention about hoarding is on these people who are living horrible lives.  The TV shows come to the rescue, hosts argue with the hoarder about getting started to clean up their messes.  We’re served up a hefty dish of disgusting animal droppings, mold, and general disorder.   Talk shows indicate it’s a form of OCD or addiction (depending upon which one you watch).  Mostly, we are expected to be entertained.

I guess, along with shows like Biggest Loser, this type of reality show is supposed to make us feel better about ourselves by virtue of them showing the lowest of the low (we’re not so bad as they are), but still leaves us worrying and in doubt.  Is it possible we have these tendencies?

Anyone who has ever invited company over and then has to think about getting the place cleaned up before they arrive knows the feeling of “My place is not clean/picked up enough.   I myself use the paper bag technique in the kitchen.  Haul out some supermarket bags, stuff all the items cluttering my desk, counters, etc. into them and hide them till the company leaves.

But in my mind I have just TONS of stuff all over the house.  The older I get the more I have.  It’s exactly like too many pounds.  Years of “I just have to have that” have lead to a house full of STUFF.   I’d like to think it’s organized.  I don’t have filth, my paths through the house are clear.  I won’t faint if my doorbell rings.   But now thanks to the hoarding shows I have something new to worry about.   Do I have this propensity?  I wonder what it is they want me to do or buy to fix it.

Even as I look at the online dictionary I’m seeing “sponsored results” on how to get rid of my junk inbetween the definitions.    So that’s it - they want me to worry that I too am a hoarder and now I need to pay someone to haul my stuff off.   More anxiety.

Which tea is it that is supposed to calm me down?

So,  I’ve grown fat.  And now, after enough years, it’s a really serious problem.   So, I’ll try to start tomorrow.  But I’m worried (of course).  Will I really do it?  I have to get past my morning meal without my beloved TOAST.  It’s a lot like loosing a lover.

Not only am I educated by watching these commercials, I’m stressed out, anxious and angry.  And the dinner hour news ads are almost exclusively pharmaceuticals.  So when I remember to do it I mute the commercials.  But as you might imagine, I either forget to unmute and miss the news when it returns or I just forget to mute in the first place and the cycle goes on.  Watching the news during dinner becomes an active task with the remote.  Fork-Remote-Fork-Remote. Not fun.   Newspapers are dying and expensive (I’m sad about that).  I do get a lot of news here on the internet.

2.  Uploaded encrypted files to the “Cloud” and worried about how safe they are.  (Major companies put up far more serious stuff than I did, but still, worried anyway)

3.  Felt tired and I haven’t exercised yet.  Worried that I won’t today and then will fall into a funk about it and then get into one of those downward spirals.

4.  Anxious because I got phone calls from relatives that I have not yet returned.  I’ve got to make these calls but it makes me cringe and creates some generalized floating anxiety

5.  Worried momentarily about driving as I considered how all the other cars have the ability to kill me in a flash.  It always amazes me that somehow we maintain relative normalcy on the road.

6.  Worried about work and/or lack of work.  As a freelancer, I am never sure which job is the last job.  Right now things are going well.  Ironically the more work I have and enjoy, the more I worry about it ending.

7.  What’s with my thumb joint?  My whole left thumb area is hurting and swollen.  I’m worried it is carpal tunnel and I need to type!

But how many of you are not quite sure how to spend your time?  Be honest now.  How many of you go to work, not sure if this is the true path you should be on.  How many of you don’t know how to spend your leisure time?  And how many of you even think about the passage of time in some accute manner? 

This may be wrapped up with one’s particular sense of mortality.  I doubt I spent a single minute ruminating how I spent my time in my first 2 decades of life.  I do think it started to creep in by my third.  and definitely this ruminating reared it’s head by my fourth decade.  I’m past those decades now (nevermind by how much).  But for sure, I now worry about how I spend my time.  I’m particulary, of late, upset when I have some leisure time and I’m not sure what I want to do with it.  If I fill it up with tasks, no matter the value and no matter the hardship or pleasure it brings, the sense of satifaction is never quite determined before the time is spent.  I tend to do things (or not) and then, when it is over, decide if it was really “grand” or an unfortunate waste. 
This is surely some form of anxiety (and perhaps there is some name one of you professionals can give for this - by all means leave your comments).  Is this you?   Let us know.

Poor Lawyer Boy !  What a way to spend a summer.  I know, I know - the rewards are great!  To be able to work in an admirable profession and help others.  And just look how many lawyers there are!  They’ve all passed some bar exam somewhere.  But what an initiation! 

How does one even approach this day?  How do you get to sleep the night before?  How do you make sure you don’t over sleep?  How do you eat before such an exam?  How do you NOT eat before it.  How do you stay focused?  What if it’s hot? What if it’s cold?  What if? What if?  What if?

And then….. the wait.  Did I pass?  Did I flunk?  OMG- everyone who actually completes the exam should pass.  I mean if you’ve got something to say to fill up all those questions - how bad can you be?  Well, ok - I don’t really believe everyone should pass.  And I do think it’s probably very fairly written and scored.  And for those who truely want to pass, they will - hopefully the first time, but if not - then some other time.  I wish all bar exam students good luck.  I’ll do the worrying for you - don’t worry.

 I didn’t realize the complexity of the recovery (I knew what he was going to do) even though nothing had been disguised from me.  I think it was my determination to get this done and denial about the short term cost. 

But that is not my point today.   After a post-op x-ray, the doc’s own words were “I know this looks a bit like texas chain saw massacre, but it will improve”.  I was ok with that.  I think he’s being fair and right.  I’ve had scars before, and with time, they heal satisfactorily.

No… my beef is what came next.  The nurse removed the sutures and then put me in a more “permanent” cast than the preceding one.  This one was the regular sort you see on broken limbs, etc.  I chose black from her palatte of colors.  I was happy with my choice and it was all very simple.  That is until she told me she was going to cut away some of the cast to expose my toes.  The purpose of this is to enable everyone to keep an eye on things and make sure my toes don’t turn blue or red. 

So she brought out the saw.  And I do mean *SAW*.  it was a round blade.  If I have to estimate, I’d guess it was about a 3 inch diameter saw.  She told me, as I appeared hesitant, that children either scream or laugh.  None have no response.  Well, I think I was a mixture of both, as an adult.  I really didn’t know whether to scream or laugh.  But there it was.. She sawed an squared off “U” into the cast. 

HOW DID SHE KNOW HOW DEEP TO SAW?  She assured me, when I asked that there would be no problem.  First of all, the saw could only go “so deep”.  She showed me the protected area, which was only half the area of the saw.  That meant it was 1 1/2 inches exposed.  My cast, was at most - with protection beneath - maybe 3/4 inch thick.  She put her hand against the blade and told me it was soft and then she said:

“If anything is going to happen, you’d feel a burning sensation long before I’d cut into you”.  This just didn’t help.  My foot, and possibly my life, was simply in her hands. 

It didn’t help that I was also told to return in 2 weeks to redo the cast.  That’s because they expect a reduction in swelling by then and my cast might be too loose to promote secure healing.

So - I have to have it completely sawed off, then re-applied…  the squared “U” cut out again, all before the final time it gets sawed off.

 If this isn’t the stuff nightmares are made of - tell me what is!!!